tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8026557319568945115.post1178793993536596764..comments2023-12-18T03:00:04.192-05:00Comments on The Concrete Gardener: Being small is hard: A responseConcrete Gardenerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12368862362127742038noreply@blogger.comBlogger9125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8026557319568945115.post-37443330267677196502013-09-19T08:01:55.014-04:002013-09-19T08:01:55.014-04:00Amen to you Jo :)Amen to you Jo :)leahhttp://squibix.net/blog/noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8026557319568945115.post-44232922325623088862013-09-19T07:44:36.404-04:002013-09-19T07:44:36.404-04:00I hear what you're saying on the broader debat...I hear what you're saying on the broader debate. I agree, though I know I tend to descend to generalities - which- when people actually read my blog posts- could be pretty bad, because for me part of it is just thinking out loud. I also deal well with certainty and less well with navigating gray areas, and that probably comes through.<br /><br />When I take things off the table for myself and share it, it's more a matter of "wow, I'm surprised that I don't have to be this person I thought I did have to be." I think I could be a lot more careful with my sweeping language. <br /><br />Amen: "parenting technique are a vast continuum and everyone makes their best decision for their child."Concrete Gardenerhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12368862362127742038noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8026557319568945115.post-3390252858563920102013-09-19T07:34:00.230-04:002013-09-19T07:34:00.230-04:00I have never met a mother of multiple children who...I have never met a mother of multiple children who has not from time to time spanked her kids. I reserve the right to spank my child if he is having a violent episode where he doesn't stop hitting me.<br /><br />What bothers me is the invisible lines in the sand, where another parent says: I have decided this is the line I will not cross, and everyone else who does is a monster. I have friends who say "Smokers should have their children taken away" and I have friends who smoke around their kids. I mind more the judgmental friends than the addicted ones. (This is not to say you're judgmental at all, but there's something that really rankles me about the lack of compassion in the greater parenting debate, where everything is absolutely right or absolutely wrong until it isn't anymore.) I think parenting techniques are a vast continuum and everyone makes their best decision for their child. leahhttp://squibix.net/blog/noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8026557319568945115.post-50349967993630401182013-09-19T07:06:37.288-04:002013-09-19T07:06:37.288-04:00I realised I might have been overly tentative earl...I realised I might have been overly tentative earlier, when the broader topic I'm wanting to explore is whether the ends ever justify the means. <br /><br />A little like it was assumed that you had to spank your kids for them to grow up disciplined and respectful, and now it's not ok, it's off the table as an option and most people are surprised by what a bad idea it was. <br /><br />My instincts aren't perfect, because I have insecurities unrelated to what is best for the kids etc, but as a general rule the actions that made me cringe are the things that I've been gradually taking off the table as possibilities for disciplining the kids or getting the tasks of my day done. It does put some limits on our days, but it doesn't feel oppressive- in general I don;t think gradually moving away from punishments or forcing my agenda has meant a net loss in efficiency. It's sortof a slow transition.Concrete Gardenerhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12368862362127742038noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8026557319568945115.post-22566122189367673912013-09-18T13:50:44.232-04:002013-09-18T13:50:44.232-04:00I think I would probably have done the same as you...I think I would probably have done the same as you Leah. (put Zion in the stroller) I guess there's the day to day stuff where Eli might not be excited about something but consent, and then there's full blown resistance to something. In the first instance, I don't think too much of just going ahead. <br /><br />Our lives are pretty slow- no classes, not a lot of play dates- that might change in time. I also am only with the kids alone for about 4 hours a day. The rest of the day it's Eug and I together, or I go to university for at least 3 hours in the afternoon. It's pretty predictable, so there's a standard time we spend in places. <br /><br />I don't think it's any kind of ninja skills on my part, it's just what it is right now, and will probably change. It's not that I replace force with pleading or anything, but Noah is much more amenable to the needs of the family than he used to be when I tried to use consequences or force, and Eli is happy as long as Noah is nearby. Concrete Gardenerhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12368862362127742038noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8026557319568945115.post-53618273162443814032013-09-18T13:07:50.327-04:002013-09-18T13:07:50.327-04:00Thanks for the response, Jo. And I also marvel th...Thanks for the response, Jo. And I also marvel that you have so much more time than me when I'm a stay at home mom with literally nothing else to do.<br /><br />I just came back from taking my kids on a walk. We walked up to Whole Foods, got lunch, and came home. The half-mile trip took us about an hour each way, not counting the half hour in the store. I give my kids A LOT of leeway to explore with their time. So I sit around while they throw sticks in the water. I sit around while they jump on and off the railroad tracks. I sit around while they play in the Whole Foods play area. I don't have a smart phone, so I spend a few minutes marveling at their beautiful cuteness and a lot more minutes being bored.<br /><br />During our walk, I picked up Zion several times and put him in the stroller against his will. (When he wouldn't get off the train track and Harvey was biking down the street for example). I had planned for a long trip, but as it is we were late to drop off their friend with his caregiver. I don't believe there is a way to always give my children as much time as they would care to take without saying 1) fine, don't have play-dates with friends and 2) fine, we'll never go to church (or music class or art class or whatever), and 3) fine I'll just let my brain drain out of my ears (which I consent to pretty often anyway.)leahhttp://squibix.net/blog/noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8026557319568945115.post-72129372186085394442013-09-18T09:31:48.094-04:002013-09-18T09:31:48.094-04:00Hey Leah! I should probably be a lot clearer when...Hey Leah! I should probably be a lot clearer when I make sweeping statements without too much context- sorry. <br /><br />I wanted to give my approach to force a little more context: First, as all you parents know, parenting is very much a work in progress. There's stuff I said last year that make me cringe. When it comes to force, I'm thinking specifically of a time when I was trying to get the straps onto Noah in his car seat and he was thrashing around, I remember deciding that kind of force was never appropriate for me because clearly it wasn't doing anything good for our relationship. In the context of my parent's house, for example, my parents will just go inside and continue with their lives and I'll let Noah play outside until he's ready to go- it's never more than a few extra minutes. It makes a big difference to his feeling understood. We do have a fair amount of leeway in our lives and we're not usually in a massive hurry.<br /><br />When it comes to conflicts between Noah and Eli, I will usually remove Eli from the situation. I don't pick up Noah during a tantrum unless he wants me to.<br /><br />We don't have to go with his whims, though we do take his input seriously. I say "I don't want to do that" also. It seems to get better with time. For example, with sleep it took a while for Noah and us to feel safe and comfortable with something- we really didn't want to go with his whims so we tried and tried to defend our boundaries. But now we have something that works for both of us. I read to him for a long time, and it's really nice, he talks to me about his day and then I leave.<br /><br />Then there's stuff where I wish I could force my hand somehow, like getting help cleaning up. This is one we haven't figured out yet. Concrete Gardenerhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12368862362127742038noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8026557319568945115.post-53937163783650136312013-09-17T21:21:43.742-04:002013-09-17T21:21:43.742-04:00"She started laughing at him and and poking h..."She started laughing at him and and poking him in the face with a pencil, and talking to him Xhosa, which she assumed he did not understand. To my shame, I was paralyzed and just ran up, glared at her, and took Noah by the hand."<br /><br />I really do admire your self restraint. <br /><br />mattbchttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03876761211754111328noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8026557319568945115.post-37123869181076622612013-09-17T14:13:28.794-04:002013-09-17T14:13:28.794-04:00Really? You never pick him up to put him in the ca...Really? You never pick him up to put him in the car? Ever? Do you never have to get anywhere on time with him? Ever? Do you never have to leave Grandma's house? Ever? What do you do if Eli is exhausted and wants to nap and you want to get home and make dinner and Noah refuses to leave Grandma's house?<br />leahhttp://squibix.net/blog/noreply@blogger.com